A STRONG BOND
"It seemed alien as if something had changed about my own world. The walls and the bed sheets were not the same though they seemed familiar."
She couldn't settle down in her own space.
"There was a vague restlessness within myself. Why was it that I still couldn't bear that man around? And may be because I couldn't bear it, it was always right there in front of me. The more you push things away they bounce back with greater force. It flashed again and again around me. I was way beyond hurt but the whole incident was like a scar on my chest. Could I ever get reconciled with it? I still had my questions. At the same time something still kept us together - what? May be social obligation or some insecurity of my own?"
"I wondered if it was about the persona or the space. I shivered within myself - I wasn't comfortable but so could I be? It seemed like a monster was walking towards me and I felt choked in my own throat. It seemed claustrophobic in my own space. Space? And that too my own. Did space exist in relation to "Godot" or was it independent of its inter-relations with the surroundings. Did that exist in relation to our self? If that be so, my space would certainly interfere with yours."
I was beginning to question "I", myself, my personal in relation to my space. At this point, "I", myself and my persona stand in isolation with each other and I firmly believe this.
"Hello! Are you there?" woke Anahita up not from sleep but illusion.
"Yup, so go ahead, finish talking your stuff"
"Well Anahita, I have actually finished talking but it seems you haven't listened to me"
"Of course I have! I know you were talking about your relationship with your father and I know he hasn't been fair to you!"
Kasak was left wondering, she had not spoken anything of the sort. How did Anahita know all that? Though something like this was an integral part of her life but she was long through with that. It no longer existed. Was she blank or disinterested or insensitive to Kasak's sensitivity? This could have only led to the surfacing of an impending conflict.
"Was it about myself, Anahita, her space, my space between the two?"
And Kasak couldn't stop going back into the world of memories. I don't know why, but sometimes memories hold you back. Hold you back from taking the plunge. But then, a self says that there's something good in all this. But normally, you end up taking the plunge. But another self says that there is some good in this plunge as well. Hope there is. The cord between the past and present had hardened so much that she couldn't detach or attach to it. The only thing which related to her was that it was somewhere about herself; if not very closely but remotely about things past and present. But did that help - it only presented her with a rather starker image of her space.
Anahita responded in thin air, " Justifying a crime was simply opening a self - pity trap. If 100 people get hurt that doesn't mean that you have to be a part of that 100. You can be but you don't have to be."
"But ..but .but I am surprised how do you know that? I know I was thinking that why did I have to go through all that but then how do you know it."
"Possibilities; that's what life offers us many a times."
"Wonder why some 'walks' become 'journeys'!" I was on my evening walk and it seemed that I was accompanied by both my past and present.
Me, my memories, and my future!
And it took me back to a few years when I read somewhere that philosophy is just a way of dealing with life. But I need to question that why cant we simply accept the fact that we are upset or we are uncomfortable. Why do we need some external theory to put us to ease? Is the truth so difficult to take? This difference in truth and untruth is difficult to comprehend. What we understand to be true might not be true actually.
Sometimes it's really difficult to comprehend life. It seems one does not need to comprehend all that goes on, with one self or around. Difficult? You bet! How you pass through that period, how so ever long it may be, is what matters. People give-up on the length of this period. But the longer the period, the better it is for the individual. All of us wait, wait for something that we do not know about. Why we do that, again a difficult 'why' to answer. But surely, we wait. Everybody does. It is the wait that teaches, not the result. In retrospect, the experience of this wait looks more romantic. Result comes out as a bland experience. Think about this! When you wanted something so badly that you could go to any extent, the post-achievement feeling makes it look so ordinary. It is there that you sometimes feel 'was it worth the toil'? That's life on a platter. I haven't had much to celebrate till now in my life. My family and friends term it 'over-ambition'. But what's life without an impossible dream.
I found myself talking to my detached self 20 years ahead from now. It certainly wasn't a dream. I knew I was walking.
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